I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

Everyone loves a good statting. I just made that word up. Enjoy it. Since the dawn of time, Man has loved nothing more than looking at a bunch of statistics with the intent of making them somehow more interesting. So, I’ve been looking at the logs for this fair site and crunching numbers like I was Deep Thought.

Once again, it’s time to have a look at what leads people here. I like doing this. If you don’t, have a read through some of the other things I’ve written, but put on a French accent in your head as you go. It’ll make things seem new.

Right. I’ll start with the searches and referals:

“hate russell howard” - This is now the number one search phrase that leads people here. Brilliant. Click the link! That’s right, if you look up “hate russell howard”, I’m on the first page of results. This is a good thing. I want him to know that, somewhere on the internet, there’s a man that hates him. That’s me, by the way.

“tramps homeless alcohol” - A very specific search by the tramp spotters. I’m also on the first page of results for this one. The other side, Top Tramps!, is pulling in pretty good numbers. Well, I say pretty good, but I actually mean pretty small. But people are reading and that’s what counts. Go me, I’m internet famous.

Other than the searches above, people seem to pop on here via my b3ta profile, jammastergeordie.com (where I am the official sponsor of the JMG league), StumbleUpon and Google image search, where my pictures of tramps are widely renowned as the best ever taken. Possibly. In terms of b3ta, it seems that whenever I log in there and say something, at least one person clicks on to here. A couple of people visit every day, without fail. I have devoted fans.

Now for some numbers:

Most people only stay on the site for less than 5 seconds. That makes me sad. Roughly 60% of visitors only open the page, then close it again. They’re really missing out.

Roughly 20% of visitors last about 30 seconds. They probably have a look at the Down’s Syndrome tiger, then leave again, puzzled and slightly afraid.

Only 8% of visitors spend more than an hour here. These people can call themselves “intelligent” and “attractive” as those are the attributes my words bestow.

The site has only been running for a few months. It seems like longer, I know. In that time, I’ve had 735 unique visitors, with 169 making return visits. I’ve made 169 people more attractive. I’m a bit like a scaled down version of God. On average, I get about 180 visitors a month, with 42 people coming back for more. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s enough to massage my hugely disproportionate ego.

75% of you are from the UK. Well done. I get a lot of Yanks, too. And a bloke from Morocco has clicked in twice. Lovely stuff. Most of you use Firefox, but some poor souls are still clinging on to old browsers like IE and even Konqueror.

I can trace your IPs to your local server, with a map and everything. Basically, what all this information means is… I know where you are, what you’re looking at and whether or not you have me bookmarked. All very valuable information. I know that a particular fat man in Aberdeen had a look on here, after looking at JMG.com. The internet is great like that. We’re part of the global consciousness, but sadly, the global consciousness is autistic.

Just thought you might be interested.