I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

Ever since Britney Spears appeared on my screen in her paedo-baiting school uniform, I’ve been fascinated by her. She’s not an attractive lady, by any means and her music is, of course, terrible, but she’s incredibly entertaining to watch. Over the past year or so, she’s become the sort of celebrity, like Mel Gibson, that it’s worth paying attention to.

Because she’s fucking mad.

Ms Spears is probably going to be the first star to have a fully televised nervous breakdown, melting at the core in her Sizewell-B-Cup, while the whole world watches and applauds. Really, this is the sort of thing I live for. I think the real turning point was when I heard she had shaved her head. For most people, this is the sort of act that wouldn’t draw any attention at all. However, on a major star like Britney, it’s an obvious warning sign that everything is falling apart. When the news broke that she’d shed her fur, I instantly texted my girlfriend, who was as incredulous as I was. Now, we’re not bad people, but we do like to casually observe life’s freak show and mock. And what a lot there is to mock.

When Britney leapt feet first into her second marriage, to her dancer, Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline in July 2004, she turned into a cartoon character. Despite her first marriage being the stuff of legend, a hasty Vegas drive-thru affair lasting only 55 hours, to someone she had known as a child, the marriage to Fed-Ex reeked of desperate publicity stunt. The last act of a woman on the edge. They had only known each other for three months. Federline himself was currently in a relationship with a woman who was eight months pregnant with his second child, who he ditched for the mad bitch. Surely someone, somewhere, was writing this plot for them. It’s the sort of thing you might see in a WWE wrestling story arc. I’m quite surprised Shar Jackson, K-Fed’s ex, didn’t appear on film in a car park, sweating and pointing at the camera, threatening to take Britney down. That would have been too good. Funnily enough, Federline himself appeared in just such a wrestling arc in 2006, post his split with Spears, only there was no trace of either of his exes.

In more recent times, the story of Brit and Kev has been somewhat more tragic. Britney has lost custody of her kids. That’s not really something to laugh about, but the way the story has played out has amused me. At the beginning of the year, Britney was stretchered out of her home and taken to hospital, under the influence of ‘unknown substances’ (probably Crack) after a three hour stand-off with the Police, as Big Kev now has full custody of the children. I fully expect to see her stretchered numerous times over the coming months as she enters full breakdown mode.

Let’s face it, the breakdown is going to be excellent. She’ll be on TV as much as she was when she first achieved mega-stardom, but only ever with the words “tragic downfall” and “trailer park refuge” scrolling beneath her. I would go as far as to say that, if she doesn’t top herself in the next 12 months, she’ll end up married to some meat head hick who regularly beats her, but hey, at least they’re together. Seeing her on the news with a black eye might make her attractive.

So, what do you reckon? Dead in a bath tub, gut full of pills by June?