I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

Robert Sylvester Kelly, or ‘R Kid’, as he’s known throughout the American judicial system, is probably the greatest living human being on the planet.

Seriously.

How can one man be quite so talented? Not content with changing the face of music with his peculiar brand of RnB, pissing all over teenage girls and writing the greatest piece of unintentional comedy the world has ever seen, he’s working on his 14th album in 16 years, not counting the three unreleased albums he has sat in the R-Vault. Quite remarkable, for a man that must spend a lot of time bouncing in and out of the courtrooms. Not only that, but the conclusion of his Hip-Hopera, Trapped in the Closet is also due to smack you upside your noggin while coating you in his yellow love sometime later this year. He’s a busy man!

Mocked around the world for being an out and out pervert, R Kelly has forged one of the most spectacular careers in musical history. He’s prolific, to say the least. And whilst his music may not appeal to you, you have to admit that he’s one of the hardest working men in music today. In 2007 alone, he released 5 singles, all from his recent Double Up album. Much like Mika has, in fact. However, because R Kelly is quite obviously suffering the same deranged lunacy exhibited by, say Britney Spears, I don’t mind. I welcome each single as he releases it as it gives me a chance to watch a man collapsing from the inside, on the telly.

In the video for “I’m a Flirt“, he is seen sat on an opulent throne, surrounded by a bevy of beauties of various creeds and colours, proving that he’s racially tolerant. Not only that, but they place a large golden crown on his head. Code for his Urolagnia, perhaps? I like to think so.

The follow-up single to this, “Same Girl“, featuring Usher, a man I’d dearly love to introduce to some hungry wolves, tells the heartwarming story of a couple of guys (who were up to no good, etc etc) who just happen to be going out with the same woman. I feel for them both, I really do. However, it’s revealed in the video for the song that it’s actually two girls! Twins! Result! Sly and Usher can happily get on with their lives, without the sense of dread that they’re stirring each other’s porridge. Knowingly.

Next to hit the charts was the awe-inspiringly awful “Rock Star“, which was accompanied by a 7 minute short film, featuring R Kelly, Kid Rock and Ludacris (who also guest on the track) as possibly the world’s most ridiculous band. In a jaw-drop enducing move, the three of them take to the stage in some back-water hick bar and rock the pants off of the assembled ladies. The only thing that saves this track is the presence of Ludacris, who, sadly, shaved off most of his talent when he shaved off his afro. I’m very disappointed that Luda lost his ‘fro. Where will Verne Troyer hide now?

Sadly, I’ve yet to hear the two other singles, “Sex Planet” and “Freaky in the Club”, but I’m sure that both of them are sparkling examples of why R Kelly deserves to be crowned in real life. He truly has become the King of RnB. And all this in spite of his well-deserved notoriety. Let’s have a look at some of the things he’s done:

• Married Aaliyah when she was just 15 years old.
• Assaulted and falsely imprisoned an employee.
• Filmed and circulated numerous sex acts with women, without their consent, including a little bit of the old pissy-wissy fun. Both with women above and below the age of consent
• Compared himself to Martin Luther King Jr.

Now. Hold on a second. Martin Luther King? Here’s the quote, from Hip Hop Soul magazine:

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.”

This basically means he is the greatest person to have ever lived. Currently, there is a warrant out for his arrest, for his failure to show up in court. Awesome. He’s almost as awesome as Ol’ Dirty Bastard at this point. In fact, the only thing that will top the ODB’s glory would be for R Kelly to be arrested after a shoot-out in the car park of KFC, with a dead hooker in the passenger seat of his car, covered in piss, with R’s crown on her head and four pounds of crack in her gut. Hang on, make that an ice cream van instead of a car and we’ve got the makings for the best film ever.

In an episode of the rather splendid cartoon/comic, The Boondocks (Season 1, Episode 2, The Trial of R Kelly), he is portrayed as a complete and utter nutter, who manages to convince the justice system that he is innocent, just by bursting into song in court. Surely the real R Kelly has realised that, should he ever bother to show up for court, he’s more than likely going to walk away scott-free, by pleading insanity? It’s a sure thing. Like Britney putting out after a jug of Long Island Iced-Tea.

One reason for him failing to show up in court, as seen in the video for “Same Girl”, is that his lips have gone the same way as America’s favourite crack-head, Bobby Brown. Lest we forget, this is a man that readily admits that he believes he can fly. R Kelly, dear readers, is on the pipe. As far as I can see, anyway. I might be wrong, of course, so I’ll state that this is not fact and just an assumption I’ve made, just in case any of his crew are reading this and decide I’m a prime target for suing. Who am I kidding? It’s not like he’d turn up in court to take me to task over it.

R Kelly, like Britney, Bobby, Whitney, et al, are glittering examples of how superstardom can take a normal, vaguely talented person and turn them into a monster. Incredible monsters that I applaud for their complete lack of shame. Stars that are so famous, even their nervous breakdowns get TV coverage. Public meltdowns are the future. Stay tuned.