I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

I really don’t like Will Ferrell.

Really. He’s probably one of the most avidly watched actors in the world today. Millions of people turn out to watch his movies. He’s the actor equivalent of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Will Ferrell makes the same film over and over again and still coins it in.

It’s probably your fault.

I swear, if he releases one more underdog-sportsman-does-ridiculous-things-then-wins-the-girl film, I’m going to hunt him down and force feed him three yards of glass. Why do you people stand for such mindless repetition? Worst of all, from a man that just isn’t funny? I’ve said it before and you can bet I’ll say it again: PEOPLE ARE STUPID. His films follow a tawdry, already well trod formula that has never appealed to me, yet it seems that the man is unable to do wrong.

Ferrell, like many of America’s biggest comedy stars, rose up through the ranks of Saturday Night Live, then moved into movies. During his SNL years, he was responsible for one of the most tiresome memes ever to hit the internet: More Cowbell. Somehow, he seems to have tapped into the consciousness of America by force feeding them low-brow nonsense that invariably relies on his stupid face mugging for the camera throughout a series of carbon-copy situations that allow him to pull that face he always pulls. You know the one:

Yeah. The smarmy, smug yet bemused face that has a forced innocence that belies the knowledge that he’s ripping you off, again.

Let’s have a look at some of his films:

• Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. A film in which he plays an obnoxious, stupid yet somewhat charming hot rod driver that overcomes the odds and races to glory.
• Blades of Glory. A film in which he plays an obnoxious, stupid yet somewhat charming figure skater that overcomes the odds and skates to glory.
• Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. A film in which he plays an obnoxious, stupid yet somewhat charming newscaster that overcomes the odds and reads the news to glory.
• Semi Pro. His latest film, in which he plays an obnoxious, stupid yet somewhat charming Basketball player that overcomes the odds and slam dunks to glory.

Are you getting it yet? He’s recycling the same formula over and over whilst reaping massive returns from an audience of willing dullards. The saddest thing is, he’s far from alone in this mind-rape that has dominated cinema over the last ten years. I’m wearing my movie bastard hat right now. It’s a lime green top-hat with a picture of Will Ferrell on it. I have a few of these hats, in various gaudy colours. Here are the faces that are on them:

• Ben Stiller.
• Adam Sandler.
• Owen Wilson.
• Jim Carrey.
• Rob Schneider.

The most annoying thing about Will Ferrell is the film Stranger Than Fiction. It’s annoying, because it’s actually incredibly good. He plays against type, refraining from hammy acting and giving a surprisingly good performance. The film itself is a funny, interesting and well scripted affair in which he discovers he is a character in a novel which is in the process of being written. He becomes aware of the narrator that is guiding his life and struggles to free himself from the plot in order to survive. Simple, entertaining. The key here is that the film isn’t one of those shitty Frat Pack films. It’s one of the most charming films I’ve seen for a very long time and also packs a remarkable amount of visual flair. Why, Ferrell? Why have you done this to me? I was so dead set on hating you!

Fear not, my hatred for the Will Ferrell oeuvre remains staunch. Were I to encounter some of his fans, no doubt to be found in their parent’s basement, in cut off shorts and sporting a mop-like honky-fro much like that of Ferrell himself, quoting each and every line of the film as they repeatedly watch Anchorman again and again, I’d kick the shit out of them, verbally and physically.

You’ve been warned.