I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

Keira Knightley, professional skeleton and part-time coat stand has been dead for the last four years. Her emaciated body is actually controlled from the inside by a six inch tall primordial dwarf called Martin, who uses an intricate set up of levers and pulleys to animate her corpse in the style you’ve become accustomed to. Quite simply, the woman needs to eat some food, or she is going to die.

Apparently her family has a history of anorexia, though she herself doesn’t suffer from the life crushing eating disorder. Far be it from me to question that, but she’s so painfully thin, I could use her to stop the balls in my KerPlunk set from dropping. The girl is a toothpick. A Hollypop.

Here’s a list of some Hollypops that have battled and won against eating disorders:

• Geri Halliwell
• Oprah Winfrey
• Richard Simmons
• Alanis Morissette
• Mariel Hemingway
• Calista Flockhart
• Kelly Clarkson

The big question here is: Why wasn’t there some sort of intervention during their struggles? Why were these people allowed to fight? Why didn’t these people die?

Great injustice.

For the most part, people that suffer from eating disorders are thoroughly objectionable people that the world has no need for. Geri Halliwell, for example, is the sort of self-serving narcissist that can only find worth in herself when she’s being watched by millions, yet, when she revealed that she had been suffering from bulimia, she acted like it was no one’s business to know, attempting to hide the plainly obvious from everyone and lying about it. Come on Geri, we all knew what was going on. We’re not as stupid as you look.

However, there is always an opposite, as that’s how things work. Karen Carpenter, a woman with actual real discernable talent was taken from us too soon, as a result of anorexia, weighing just 80lbs (that’s a meagre 5 and a half stone, in English) at the age of 32. She was, at that time, capable of travelling to concerts by fax machine. I don’t even know if fax machines existed in 1983.

In the UK, Channel 4 has been showing Supersize Vs Superskinny, a show in which a fat person and a thin person are stuck in a house together for a week and forced to swap diets. The skinny person overeats, the fat person starves themself. As each episode has aired, it has become readily apparent that most incredibly thin people are actually completely mad, evil and aggressive. Fat people are nice, accomodating and capable of reasoned discussion. In the fourth episode, the skinny woman that featured believed that not eating would make her live forever. I KNOW. It’s incredible. People really are that stupid. The fat man that she shared with was an incredibly nice fellow that just wanted to help her, but she persisted in screwing up her face and refusing to accept that food is a necessary element of life. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Being a bit tubby, like myself, is not only providing yourself with a bit of fuel to use up in hard times, but it’s also a way of keeping warm. It works for whales. Of course, inversely to this, there are the morbidly obese, who need to stop eating now and donate their doughnuts to my cause. I’ve come up with a plan and everything. With the help of the corpulent, we can reduce their weight, as lord knows they need it, whilst feeding the hungry and insane.

This is the plan:

1. Find a skinny person.
2. Feed them cake until they weep.
3. Slap them about a bit.
4. Inject them with hot lard while shouting abuse in their face.

This is the only reasonable way that the terminally thin can be helped.

Discuss this further in the forums