Just the stats, Ma’am - 3.
Fuck yeah! It’s Stat Time. Shut up and enjoy it, it’s a good one this time. I’ve had some incredibly satisfying searches this month, which I’m about to ram down your neck, through your eyes.
BASTARD HATS - I practically invented these. In fact, I invented hats and trousers and mangles. I’m a very clever boy. Why on Earth would someone be looking for bastard hats? Because they’re fucking awesome, that’s why.
3l Bottle - Not too sure where I am on those results, but that’s the link that my tracker gave me. Quite obviously thrown up by the Trampspotting blog, in reference to blindness-inducing cider.
Britney Spears Recent - There are no less than 10 image searches that have led people here, whilst searching for new images of the sexy mad bitch. I really would do terrible things to her. That said, I’d let her see her kids. Through a glass wall, in the hospital visitation room. What could be better? Everyone wants to use one of those directly connected phones!
David Hoff Airbrush Teacher - I get some pretty odd referrals. Lots to do with airbrushing. Nice.
Green Oompa Loompa Wigs - I also get a lot of referrals from this search. Does everyone want to dress up like an Oompa Loompa? How will they make themselves smaller? The answer here is simple - a lot of dwarves that like to play dress up read this site. They’re very welcome here.
All great stuff, I think you’ll agree. Now, on to the really good stuff:
russell howard is an irritating wanker
Fucking SPLENDID. Russell Howard, my arch nemesis, is boosting my ratings. Thanks, you ugly mouthed weakling. Other Russell Howard searches have included: “hate russell howard”, “russell howard leaving” and “russell howard girlfriend” - the last of these shows that there is still some demented fat bird out there that fancies him. Poor, deluded fat girl.
Mika fat girls -continuing the fat girl theme, here’s someone looking for chubbies and closet-gays. I have nothing against gays. In fact, a lot of them fancy me. I’m incredibly masculine.
Mel Gibson mental problems - Yep. People come here for all the best celebrity meltdown abuse.
But my favourite search for Jan/Feb has to be this:
ive fucked my brain up - I’m somewhere deep in the results, but no idea where.
What other stats have I got for you? Look below and see, dummy.
- 72000 hits so far this year.
- 944 unique visitors so far this year.
- Visitors from 27 different countries - including Saudi Arabia, Japan and Estonia.
- 57% of you use Firefox. Good news for Mozilla.
- 50% of you have bookmarked the page this year. That’s 481 wise readers, to be precise.
That’s all the interesting stuff. Get back to stuffing your face and surfing for porn.
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