I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

Hello, people of the internet. No doubt you’ve stumbled across this page because you’re either:

A) A well read and intelligent person.

B) Searching for pictures of Britney Spears in a straight jacket.

C) Not very good at clicking the right link.

Either way, you’re here now and you’re getting in the way. Stand in the corner and listen intently until I am finished.

There are too many people with children. Yeah, I just came right out and said it. I don’t particularly care about over-population, because where I live isn’t really affected by it and my time on this planet is finite. So, as the problem increases and space runs out, I’ll be lying in a box surrounded by dirt, not giving a shit. However, there are too many people with children, pushing them around in prams, when I’m out for a walk.

For some reason, when a woman (and indeed, in some cases, some even have a partner) has a child, she suddenly awards herself with a license to stand in my way. Or to move into my way. Or to gang up with like-minded breeders and block the pavement, whilst walking incredibly slowly. This means I have to risk life and limb by walking into traffic in order to pass them. Just because you managed to carry out one of the easiest of life’s processes, doesn’t mean you’re special. No. You’re very far from special. Those of us that manage to not have kids are the ones that should be allowed street freedom. Simply because we’re not subjecting some poor pathetic life-form to the pain of existence. We’re doing our bit for society and hastening its long overdue end.

Women with pushchairs also seem to think that walking out of a shop and stopping, in the way of the door, to check their change, is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Not so. In fact, you should be getting out of the doorway, as that’s how people move in and out of buildings, you thick bitches. Pardon me, I appear to be getting excited.

Worse than this, some couples like to push the empty pram around, while one or the other parent carries the child around. THANKS. Now I have to get around even more of you. I’m far from patient at the best of times but in recent years have found myself shouting “for fucks sake” in the face of young parents more and more frequently. Now, I’m not a bad person, but these people seem to think that by squeezing out some dribbling fat puppy, they’re suddenly the owners of the streets and can use the pavements as they wish. Of course they can’t. The pavements are mine.

Here is what I propose:

1) New parents pay a council tax surcharge. Of 20%. That means they’re paying more for the pavement, as they’re using it more. I get a reduction on my bill.

2) New parents are shown how to use a pushchair or pram efficiently. This basically comes down to smacking them about the face, neck and chest area with it.

3) New parents are forced to stay in their homes between 8am and 1am. The early morning is their’s to use as they please. Failure to comply with the curfue results in child-loss.

Simple solutions for the modern world. If a parent can’t willingly conform to these three requirements, their child will be taken from them, put down and sold for glue. If you feel that, as a prospective parent, you won’t be able to manage this, I’m willing to come and help out with some sort of preventative measure, such as sterilisation.

BYE.