I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

I need someone to compete against. I want to engage in man-on-man competition. I want to pummel someone’s pudgy face like dough, then bake it into a loaf of YOU LOSE. I want to run a lap of honour around your lumpen body as you sit on the floor, weeping in failure, as I victoriously circle your sweating, deafeated mess of an existence, chanting your name and making it rhyme with various synonyms for faecal matter. I want to beat you.

Yes, I’ve been watching too much Kenny Vs Spenny. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. Raw male competition in its purest form. For those of you that aren’t fortunate enough to have ever seen it, here’s what it’s all about:

2 Men. Spenny, a neurotic, hapless yet conscientious buffoon. Kenny, a complete piss-taker. They devise a competition .The loser of the competition is humilated by the winner, often in disgusting and obscene ways. Competition have ranged from who can blow the biggest fart, to who can wear a dead octupus on their head for the longest. Spenny abides by the rules… Kenny doesn’t. In this particular episode, Kenny cheats by spiking his good friend with LSD.

Here’s a taster.

Awesome, I’m sure you’ll agree.

The protagonsits are so compelling to watch quite simply because they are so different. Kenny, despite being a joker that clearly has no respect for his ‘friend’, is a surprisingly accomplished man. Looking over his Wikipedia record, you can see that he has done quite a lot. A talented photo-journalist, documentary maker and… writer on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hey, we all have to work. I’m sure that last gig was particularly lucrative. If anyone can hook me up with a copy of his film about the homeless dwarf, let me know. Kenny is basically the worst person you could live with, in as much as you would constantly find him either slipping his genitals into your burger meat in the fridge, or sticking your toothbrush up his bottom - these are actual events that have transpired throughout the show, I might add. Yet, somehow, he’s endearing and entertaining, despite being a foul-mouthed antagonist.

Spenny, also quite an accomplished man, is exactly the opposite. An earnest, paranoid mess that falls foul of Kenny’s every move. His attempts to stick to the rules, no matter how ill-defined they are, by consulting specialists and experts leave him looking like a lost little boy that can barely manage to wipe his own snotty nose. Yet, somehow, he’s managed to garner himself various awards for his film and TV ventures. Spenny is the one we’re all secretly rooting for, despite the incessant whining and moaning about Kenny’s cheating.

I’m not normally a fan of reality TV, but there’s something about this show that works. It’s part reality TV, part game show, part documentary on human nature and the foibles of man. Pitching two mental and physical opposites into battle after battle, in order to prove… well, I’m not entirely sure what they’re trying to prove. But they’re proving something. Maybe it’s just that Kenny is proving that Spenny is a massive loser. Regardless of their intention, the show perfectly captures how two men interact when pushing against each other.

Inspired by watching 4 seasons of this in the past month, I find myself desperate to engage in competition, in any form. This is what being a man is all about. Beating other men. I wouldn’t want to bother with being followed around by a camera crew. I just want to duel.

Who is man enough to take me on?

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