I THINK MY BRAIN IS FULL

During the Great May Brain Outage, a funfair came to town. Fucking excellent. Pikeys with wonky eyes and thick moustaches, punching local lads and making local lasses feel uncomfortable, as a lascivious gaze turns to liquid assault when a gob of drool hangs from the ride operators lips onto a young woman’s cleavage as he secures her young body to the rickety metal frame with just an old belt…Hang on. That’s not right. That’s actually pretty sinister.

 

FUN TIME! From the edge of The Level, I could see the welcoming sight of the funfair. They were just setting up when I saw them and no one was actually having fun yet, but the rides were in place, the caravans were parked and there was a smell of fear in the air. Why on Earth people enjoy going to the funfair is beyond me. I have an aversion to being upside down at high speed, so this sort of mobile death trap bonanza holds no appeal for me. I do love a good wonky-faced paint job, however.

This funfair did not disappoint.

Check it out. Below is the ROCKER. I’ve put it in caps because that’s how it appears on the ride. ROCKER. I would imagine the ride also ROCKS when you’re on it. I wouldn’t know, though, as I’m far too happy with being alive to ever even consider getting on it.

 

As you can see, it’s a very choice ride. There’s stars galore emblazoned on it. Did you know that when your face is painted on the side of a funfair ride, it’s actually a legal endorsement of the ride? Well it is. Honestly. This means that the ROCKER is endorsed by some of the biggest names in superstardom. Let’s have a look at who is there. 

 Well, firstly your eyes are drawn to Pamela ”Barb Wire“ Anderson. She’s hot, because she has big tits. Big, fast tits, apparently. Or at least, next to the charming neon green and highlighter pen orange CENSORED sign on her nipple that must be poking out of that black corset,  we can see the legend “Bigger Better Faster”. She must be so proud of her tits. I would be. Her face does look a bit squashed, though, and she appears to only be about 15. SO STOP CHECKING HER OUT, WEIRDO.

 Next, no doubt, you’ll have noticed the crudely rendered picture of Shirley Eaton, the Golden Girl from Goldfinger. Did you know that Golden Girl Estelle Getty died recently? It’s true, she did. She died out of sadness that she wasn’t chosen to adorn the side of the ROCKER. It says “Turn it up” next to her. Turn what up?

 Between these two blonde bombshells lies a slightly misshapen James Dean. He died in the wreckage of  a Porsche Spider, after colliding with another car. Are the owners of the ride suggesting that you, too, might lose your life suddenly, encased in shredded metal as the ROCKER shudders and collapses? Can you guarantee that the body you leave behind will have been as beautiful as the Giant star’s? No, of course you can’t. You’re on the internet, for a start.

 Yes, that is Freddy Krueger on the far left.

 

 As you can see in this stunningly patriotic scene, Freddy Krueger has returned from our nightmares to add the element of fear that the ROCKER needs. If it wasn’t bad enough that self-destructive stars like Pammy and Jimmy were on the side of the ride, then adding a fictional undead serial killer is just the note to strike when attempting to inspire confidence in funfair goers. Again, the image of metal piercing flesh flashes into my mind. Next to him is some sort of chest-baring guitarist and his Les Paul. I have no idea who this chap might be, but he’s clearly very popular in America. I would imagine his songs make you feel like you’re going extra fast when driving a deserted desert highway. Great. 

Not only that, but there are three huge celebrities on the other side of it that really make you feel safe. Naomi Campbell, who may reach down from the side of the ride and slap you in mid-air, can be seen pouting suggestively. But what does this mean? Why, exactly, is she there? Probably for the exact same reason that Freddy is there! And that reason is: The people that paint these rides are fucking insane. They must be. 

 Next to her, you can see a scene from musical history that, thus far, we have sadly been cheated out of in real life. Madonna and Michael Jackson, dancing together. Were two such rock luminaries to come together in reality, peace would be restored on Earth and life would become easy. These two giants of celebrity are the recipe for world harmony. Don’t let the thought of Madonna snatching your kids to sell to Michael Jackson enter your head, because they are both really good people. Really. 

But there are two things that really makes me feel uncomfortable about the ROCKER. Firstly, it’s the giant, fading eyes of Michael Jackson on the back of the ticket booth. He’s watching you. But more importantly, he’s occasionally darting a glance at your kids. I’m not saying that he’s going to touch them up or anything. But he might.

The scariest thing about the ROCKER is the image of Kurt ”BANG OW FUCK“ Cobain, seen as you enter the ride. What this is basically telling you is that you are voluntarily offering your life to the gods as a sacrifice for terrible deeds you have done.

Please pay here. 

That and the incongruous image of Lara Croft. 

Now, this funfair wasn’t all about the ROCKER. No! There was more. There was also the Rotor, which, as you can see from the inset image, had Sacha Baron Cohen’s most lucrative invention on it. Ali G. Is this some sort of pisstake? It says Manumission on it. Has this lumbering hell-ride been dragged all the way from Ibiza to be with us today? What a fucking honour. I feel like some sort of champion.

 

 Let’s face it. What’s more likely here is that this ride, which I believe spins you around rapidly until you are crying vomit from your eyes, was parked just up the road from Manumission, in some sort of wasteland area, alongside a load of other has-been rides, in an attempt to steal some custom from the sex-crazed superclub. I’m imagining they managed to rope in the dregs that had been drunkenly ejected from everywhere else. Much like this funfair, in fact. 

 The next ride that really caught my eye didn’t actually appear to have a name. I’m going to call it Mad For It, as you can clearly see it written between the heroic Northern pugilists Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher, seen here mid-bout in the title fight for “Mouthiest Northern Wanker”.  Who can ever forget this great fight? It was only ten years or so ago.

 

 

 And as luck would have it, Geri Halliwell is there to straddle some ethereal musical ribbons in support. “Go Robbie!” she’s saying. Yes. Go, Robbie. Go the fuck away you talentless loser. And take Halliwell and Gallagher with you. 

 On the other side of the Mad For It ride, there’s yet more talentless oafs parading around in air-brushed form. Check it out! There’s Louise from Eternal! She married a footballer, you know? You know who I mean. That incredibly plain girl that loads of people fancied until they found out her surname was Nurding. 

 She’s accompanied by Will Smith in a jumpsuit and Tina Turner, who is making a death-defying leap to a giant guitar. This sort of all-action fare hasn’t been seen since Rock City!

 But who the fuck is that in the middle? Is it Bjork, or is it Papa Lazarou?  Whoever it is, the people that own this ride promise that they will, they will rock you. And you have to respect that bold claim. Will you be lovin’ it, like Louise? Or is it just a London thing? 

 I have literally no idea who that mystery DJ is, but you can bet your arse that he’s from London. Because he’s awesome.

 BYE.